As noted in previous articles on my blog I made the decision to evaluate some major issues within my marriage. After 10 happy and not so happy years with my hubby we had hit a new all time low. I had actually tossed the “D” work around a time or too. After one major fight and the breaking of my seven years heart (by yelling those ugly words “get out” that the whole family heard) I had to do some major sole searching and quick. I quickly discovered that our “sexless” marriage was one big problem. I think more for him than I as I was pretty content with not doing the deed, honestly! But I knew this was an issue I was going to have to face so I wrote of list of reasons why I wasn’t willing…WOW click here to see the list:

http://mommymachelle.info/2008/11/20/sex-and-marriage-you-cant-have-one-without-the-other/

My husband wrote a list of reasons why he thought he wasn’t getting any, click here to see his list:

http://mommymachelle.info/2008/12/02/that-sex-and-marriage-thing-part-2/

Once the lists were created and the discussions were now open things actually started to change. Now I can’t say by any means we are having a healthy sex life but we both took the time to see what each other was feeling and thinking.

Things are finally starting to clam down on the home front with the holidays and travel over so I thought I now need to focus on this again. I know what some of the reasons are for our lack of sex as discovered with the “lists” now I needed to find some of the less obvious reasons why sex is important. So with some searching online here is what I came up with:

10 reasons I should be having sex

1. Sex Relieves Stress
A big health benefit of sex is lower blood pressure and overall stress reduction.
2. Sex Boosts Immunity
Good sexual health may mean better physical health. Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections.
3. Sex Burns Calories
Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.
4. Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health
While some older folks may worry that the efforts expended during sex could cause a stroke, that’s not so, and the heart health benefits of sex don’t end there. The researchers also found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.
5. Sex Boosts Self-Esteem
Boosting self-esteem was one of 237 reasons people have sex. That finding makes sense to Gina Ogden, PhD, a sex therapist and marriage and family therapist in Cambridge, Mass., although she finds that those who already have self-esteem say they sometimes have sex to feel even better. “One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves,” she tells WebMD. “Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it.”
6. Sex Improves Intimacy
Having sex and orgasms increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which helps us bond and build trust. Higher oxytocin has also been linked with a feeling of generosity. So if you’re feeling suddenly more generous toward your partner than usual, credit the love hormone.
7. Sex Reduces Pain
As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines. So if your headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms seem to improve after sex, you can thank those higher oxytocin levels.
8. Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk
Frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life,
9. Sex Strengthens Pelvic Floor Muscles
For women, doing a few pelvic floor muscle exercises known as Kegels during sex offers a couple of benefits. You will enjoy more pleasure, and you’ll also strengthen the area and help to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.
10. Sex Helps You Sleep Better
The oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep, according to research.

To read this article in it’s entirety click here “Top 10 Reasons To Have Sex Tonight”

Pretty interesting stuff. I have always know there was health benefits to having sex but to burn that many calories, hell that’s one step in the right direction in boosting my self esteem. I think this list provides some excellent research of the health benefits of having sex now I will focus my efforts on how to get me to agree to have sex, I think that is where our problems lies.[ad#ad-6]

My sister-in-law, who without a doubt is my number 1 reader of this blog sends me a text this morning, it reads “So does this mean you are going to start having sex again” I of course respond “What?” as I have no clue what’s she is talking about. She then responds that she had read my post for yesterday. So the conversation then goes on as I state: “NO” to the sex, that the post is about facing my options at this point. I can either proceed with the divorce option or I can stop, take a moment or two and focus on the positive parts of my marriage and the good in my husband.

But then I really being to think about sex and where it fits in my marriage and of course the fact that it isn’t happening. And yes as I start this new chapter in my book of life I have got to devote some time and effort into this area of my marriage or lack there of!! If I asked my husband I’m positive he would say that the lack of sex is the number one problem with our marriage. If my husband asked me I would state the dozen of other obvious reasons our marriage is struggling and sex isn’t on that list.  So in my quest to focus on my marriage I have to focus on sex.  Why don’t I desire sex? It’s not him. I love my husband and I could never imagine being intimate with anyone else but him.  I decided to sit down and really think about this and make a list of reasons why I didn’t want to have sex.

Top ten reason why I’m not having sex:

• #1 – I’m tired – after the kids, work and the housework day in and day out by the time I climb the stairs to go to bed at night the only thing on my mind is sleep.
• #2 -You pissed me off – 99% of the time I’m mad at you for yelling at the kids, complaining that you don’t feel good, wishing for this or that but not taking the initiative to get what you want out of life.
• #3- I’m not feeling to sexy these days – the weight keeps climbing and the self esteem keeps falling
• #4- Ok this is getting hard….uuummm #4 let’s see – sex is getting boring but I think I’m afraid of trying new things
• #5 – If I give in tonight, you’ll want it again tomorrow and the next day and so on
• #6 – I’m stressed out…I don’t want to take time to make love, I want to take the time to resolve things
• #7- There’s a child in our bed and I don’t want you to wake her by moving her to her own bed (WOW good excuse)
• #8 – I didn’t even get a chance to shower today and now it’s late so nope I’m just going to go to sleep (OK even better excuse than #7)
• #9- the kids – who in their right mind want’s to take the chance of waking their kids after hours spent getting them to bed (see I’m good at this)
• #10 – This is the easiest one – I just have no desire whether it be a medical reason (probably not) or a middle age kind of thing (possibly) whatever the reason it’s just not there, nope nowhere, ok so maybe every once in awhile a thought will run through my mind while the kids are at school or something but not very often and your not here to act on it! (Ya, like he can really do anything about that)

Listing those 10 things was actually very difficult. Not only did I have to admit something’s about myself that I didn’t want to but I can see that some of my excuses are just plain crazy! I find myself being selfish and unreasonable about this issue on one hand and totally justified on the other.

O.K. so now what do I do with this newly discovered information?  Well the most obvious would be to tackle these one by one and resolve them. Finding the give and take in a marriage is at best difficult. My determination in finding my place as a wife and a woman will lead me down many undiscovered paths and that is a scary thought.  My plan is to sit down with my husband and go over this list with him, I am also going to ask him to make a list of 10 reasons why he thinks we are not having sex!

This topic is going to evolve quickly, keep checking back as I am just beginning to uncover some hard core facts that I think most all women face at one point in their marriage or relationship.
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