In the mist of a struggling  marriage, I am trying to examine the less obvious reasons for the turmoil in my marriage. Last week I skimmed over the sex issue, or lack there of in our marriage. As promised, I sat down with my husband and although he knew I was writing about the issue, he didn’t know what my reasons were. I asked him to tell me 10 reason why HE thought we weren’t having sex and here is what he had to say:

#1 – I don’t satisfy you

#2 – I go to bed to early, I’m always asleep by the time you get to bed and you won’t wake me

#3 – You don’t find me attractive anymore

#4 – There is always a kid in our bed

#5 – You work all night long and I don’t want to bother you

#6 – I don’t know why other than you just always seem to say NO!

#7 – Seems like we are getting old and tired and just don’t want to try anymore

#8 – I wonder if you even like me sometimes

He didn’t make it to 10, he said he would have to think about it more but with the look on his face as we had  this conversation, I knew he didn’t need to say anymore than he already did.  As I sat there and listened to him list one by one what he thought, I didn’t say a word, I just listened. For once I realized he didn’t need me to prove him wrong, he didn’t need my justification for my actions and he didn’t need me to break down and examine each one of those thoughts. And I didn’t.  We didn’t discuss each others reasoning, we didn’t argue over whose fault it was nor did we clarify our own behaviors. We simply sat there in the moment, both hurting over the others response but not the kind of hurt as in “you did this to me and it’s your fault”, but the kind of ache in your heart that says I am sorry I have hurt you.

In my heart and head I know where I need to go with this.  I hope the same is true for my husband. I never imagined my husband thought the things that he did and I would never want him to hurt the way he is hurting right now.  I know that I can’t control his feeling, he owns and manages those himself, but I can control my actions and that is my starting point.

To get an understanding of all of this you will need to read part 1:

Sex and Marriage – You can’t Have One Without The Other

Bookmark Me or add me to your Feed as I have olny started to explore this topic.

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