To those of you who follow my personal blog you know that I have this incredible 5 year old son that was diagnosed with Autism 2 years ago. When I began MommyMachelle I wasn’t sure what direction I wan going to take at the time. Having an autistic son consumed most of my life and if I was going to blog about my life, then that was what I would share. I spent 3 to 4 days a week taking him from Social Therapy to Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy was also on the schedule. So ya I knew a lot about autism and I could share with other families my knowledge. But things changed quickly, as I started to write my personal blog I realized there was so much more about me that Autism. I had a husband and bills and 3 other children. I needed to find a balanced between it all and that is where I am right now. My personal blog is just about being a wife and a mom and my sons autism is just one small part of that.

But because I do have a lot experiences to share on Autism I have decided to dedicate a section to just that, my son. It’s called Jackson’s Journey and it’s where I can share some of the most amazing moment’s and not so amazing moments of his life, my hopes and dreams for him and the journey him and I take every day in this world together.

As we prepare for the Holidays Jackson’s excitement is exciting. This is the first year he has actually participated in the Holiday. He wrote a letter to Santa, he exchanged gifts in class and he even set out 2 small carrots for the reindeer to eat on Christmas Eve. He watches the calendar daily as he has figured out how to follow the days until that magical day approaches. We remind him daily that Santa is watching and that he has to be nice and he understands. I hear him sing Christmas songs he had learned from school and I have to say this is truly the best Holiday season for me. To Jackson “Merry Christmas buddy, I love you.”

Jackson’s Gingerbread House – He was so proud of this but a ‘bit frustrated that he couldn’t eat the cardboard box that was holding the house up.

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As I mother I know that there is nothing more precious that my children. Only our children can create those magical moments we share with family, friends or co-workers and it’s those moments that get us through difficult times at home, a long day on the job or an illness we are fighting with all our might. I enjoy all the long “ghost under the bed” conversations and the make believe cupcakes baking in the fisher price plastic kitchen. But some of my most memorable moments with my children haven’t been so precious.

Permanent Sharpie Markers

This not so precious mommy moment was taken the night before my daughters first day of preschool. Yes her make-up was beautiful, I just wish she would have chose washable markers instead of the sharpie permanents!!

I let this be a Daddy Moment!!

This is a classic example of my son Jackson’s fascination with toothpaste. To all the autistic parent’s out there, I know you will appreciate this picture. This is one of those mommy moments I gladly passed on to Daddy!!

To all the mom’s and dad’s or grandma’s and grandpa’s I salute you. Keep those not so precious moments close to your heart. When your day seems like it just keeps getting worse reflect on those special moments and take comfort in the fact that things could be worse.
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Dear Jackson,

At 5 years of age I know that you are not going to understand what mommy is saying and I know you might not even understand at 25 but mommy needs to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am for some mistakes I made. See Jackson mommy didn’t understand when you were screaming and angry all the time that you were just trying to tell me that you loved me. Jackson mommy didn’t know that a hook meant a fork and that when we sat down to eat dinner you needed that green fork and yellow plastic plate every time. And that favorite red shirt that you had to wear every day, I didn’t realize how important it was to you. And when mommy would hold your head to make you look at me buddy I know you were listening, you just didn’t like looking mommy in the eyes. And buddy I’m sorry I didn’t let you hold or play with you baby sister more mommy knows now that you love her and would never hurt her intentionally.

Jackson mommy is sorry for being so angry all the time, I just didn’t understand how to make you happy. I am sorry for locking you in your room because mommy was so frustrated she needed a time out. I am sorry for turning my back to you because I just didn’t know what you needed. Jackson mommy is sorry for keeping you from the family who loved you because mommy couldn’t handle the disruption that came with your behavior. And Jackson that mean lady that lived next door and always said you were a bad boy, buddy she was wrong, she was a bad girl. Jackson I’m sorry for feeling at times as though I didn’t like you because mommy does love you so much. And buddy I’m sorry for over protecting you when I know what a big boy you are and just want to be like the other kids. Jackson mommy needs to tell you thank you. You have made me such a better person. You have taught mommy how to accept, how to hope and how to believe because even though you are only 5 years old your life has already touched so many others. Jackson I love you.

(Editors note: my son was diagnosed with autism when he 4 years old. For the years previous to that date I struggled with every aspect of his life. I thought I was dealing with terrible twos and horrible threes. As I look back now there were so many signs and more guilt than I could ever imagine. Parents if you have even the slightest though that something is different than expected trust your instinct and get help don’t be afraid. I had to learn the skills necessary to help Jackson, these skills don’t come naturally, you have to know what you dealing with before you can make the adjustments necessary to deal with it! We had to learn how to make our home a happier place for Jackson and for our family.)
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