September 15th, 2008
Dear Jackson,
At 5 years of age I know that you are not going to understand what mommy is saying and I know you might not even understand at 25 but mommy needs to tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am for some mistakes I made. See Jackson mommy didn’t understand when you were screaming and angry all the time that you were just trying to tell me that you loved me. Jackson mommy didn’t know that a hook meant a fork and that when we sat down to eat dinner you needed that green fork and yellow plastic plate every time. And that favorite red shirt that you had to wear every day, I didn’t realize how important it was to you. And when mommy would hold your head to make you look at me buddy I know you were listening, you just didn’t like looking mommy in the eyes. And buddy I’m sorry I didn’t let you hold or play with you baby sister more mommy knows now that you love her and would never hurt her intentionally.
Jackson mommy is sorry for being so angry all the time, I just didn’t understand how to make you happy. I am sorry for locking you in your room because mommy was so frustrated she needed a time out. I am sorry for turning my back to you because I just didn’t know what you needed. Jackson mommy is sorry for keeping you from the family who loved you because mommy couldn’t handle the disruption that came with your behavior. And Jackson that mean lady that lived next door and always said you were a bad boy, buddy she was wrong, she was a bad girl. Jackson I’m sorry for feeling at times as though I didn’t like you because mommy does love you so much. And buddy I’m sorry for over protecting you when I know what a big boy you are and just want to be like the other kids. Jackson mommy needs to tell you thank you. You have made me such a better person. You have taught mommy how to accept, how to hope and how to believe because even though you are only 5 years old your life has already touched so many others. Jackson I love you.
(Editors note: my son was diagnosed with autism when he 4 years old. For the years previous to that date I struggled with every aspect of his life. I thought I was dealing with terrible twos and horrible threes. As I look back now there were so many signs and more guilt than I could ever imagine. Parents if you have even the slightest though that something is different than expected trust your instinct and get help don’t be afraid. I had to learn the skills necessary to help Jackson, these skills don’t come naturally, you have to know what you dealing with before you can make the adjustments necessary to deal with it! We had to learn how to make our home a happier place for Jackson and for our family.)
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I just want to let you know how this has touched me. I cried when I read this, but it also has made me think of the mistakes that I have made with my own children. I don’t have an Austistic child, but we all make mistakes in raising our children so I can only imagine how difficult it would be to raise an Austistic child. I have to say that in reading this post that you are a very strong person and that you should keep up the great work and I hope that this helps other parents of both special needs children and normal children to realize we are not all perfect and sometimes we just have to ask for forgiveness. Thank you so much for this and I hope to read more soon.
Thanks Amie, I cried as I wrote this, not only for my autistic son but for my other children because yes indeed as parents we all make mistakes and carry around quite a bit of guilt because of those mistakes. I recommend all moms write a letter of apology to their kids, it is actually self healing. I doubt Jackson will even read this letter and I don’t feel as though I need him to, I just needed to get some things off my chest and it worked. Keep reading and thanks for your support of my site!